Transfor[u]m:
Re-Defining Gender Definitions
As a new person to the Asheville, NC area, I have noticed a lot of people trying to define me. As in what I am or who I am. I just simply would like to remain a person.
I have also been noticing a lot of different versions of sexism here. Be it by all community’s, the straight and yes, even the Trans-community. I started to wonder where does that come from? I mean, is it from our upbringing? Our parents’ definition of “boy” and of “girl”, of the “Proper” gender roles we all play?
I remember the first time I experienced a transman, in San Francisco, way back in 1984. I had been kicked out of my parents’ house in Orlando and decided to hitch hike cross-country. I was in the City by the Bay in 3 days. I was 16 then, but I managed to make friends easily with some really good people.
One night two friends, who were a couple, and I decided to go down into the Castro and go to a popular lesbian bar, back then, called “Amelia’s”. I had never had so much fun; all the girls there were so different, some so feminine and some really butch. As I got a little lose lipped about my gender, a transman came over to me and demanded that I leave as “this is no place for a wannabe drag girl...” This actually caused a big disagreement among some women there who thought I did belong. Back then there was a sign at the door that read, “No Men Aloud”. I left in shame and embarrassment. I had been outed by my own tongue and my own kind. It was hurtful, but I placed it in the back of my mind until recently.
Though I am not a person who believes that books are the way to define myself, I am a person who enjoys reading. I have recently read a book called The Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. In this book, she describes a very interesting point on not just sexism but gender “class-ism”. My perception of what she was saying led me to want to explore this a little more.
A term I had never heard before was “Cisgendered”. Cisgendered are the people who are born with the content knowledge that body and mind are the same. (Again this is my perception and these are my views of what I read.) So these cisgendered people are so in tuned with their own selves they do not even entertain the idea that, on the subject of gender, there could ever be anything other than what they are. And, that they are in fact “Normal” (forgive me for using the ‘N’ word). Along with this security of knowing they are in the right, they also are the ones who let the trans world know we are wrong.
In 1997, Patrick Califia, a transman, wrote a book called Sex Changes: The politics of Transgenderism. In it he writes, “It seems the world is still more titillated by ‘a man who wants to be a woman’ than it is by ‘a woman who wants to be a man.’ The first is scandalous; the latter is taken for granted. This reflects the very level of privilege men and women have in our society. Of course women want to be men”, the general attitude seems to be,” and of course they can’t. And that’s that.”
I found that interesting because, again, society lays down gender rules and roles. Even back in the 70s when the sexual revolution was at its peak and it seemed as if acceptance for all people would a reality, a woman by the name of Janice G. Raymond wrote a book in 1979 called Transexual Empire: Making of the She-male, in which we transwomen were called “Male to constructed Females.” As in, no matter what we did we would never be REAL in the eyes of society. This was very evident from my experience in San Francisco back in 1984
Assumptions about gender roles are simply us feeding into what others believe to be right. For example, a few months back a close transman friend and I were loading his car after we had gone out of town one weekend. As I believed myself to be helping him, I picked up a heavy box to bring to the car. When he realized what was happening, he dropped what he was doing and ran to me saying that I “was a girl and should not be carrying that heavy box.” He then took the box from me. It was amusing except that he really meant what he said. He really saw my “role” to be that of a weak delicate girl.
And, more recently a transwoman friend and myself were discussing a retreat we would both be attending soon. I had never been, so I asked if they would have mirrors and electrical outlets (Hey, I am true to the cause but I am also a Glamour Girl). She told me that “yes, there are mirrors.” I then expressed hope that maybe other make up artists or stylists would be there. She then looked at me and said, “Jennifer, you are so pretty, do you really want that kind of competition?” I was really insulted. Am I in a competition all the time? Is it my “role” to only be pretty because I enjoy make-up? Are we in the trans world only about the outside? Do we not desire to aspire to be in a place where gender is not the issue?
The hierarchy of cisgendered people does trickle down onto transgenders’ own perceptions of our selves. From cross-dressers ruled by iron-fisted wives who regulate the amount of “Femme” the husband can express, to the transexual looking down their nose at a person who has not had surgery; I find “We” are all just as guilty, if not more so, for being closed minded and laying down judgment. Many of us assume that we know the right way to be trans, or how we define trans is the only option open to anyone.
Society lays down the rules and we simply nod in agreement, never once thinking to question. We allow our selves to be dissected by Doctors and professionals, whose opinions are often based solely on their agendas. We then accept these opinions and spread the toxic definitions within our own community. Why do I need a therapist to explain me to me? Or alleviate shame or guilt? Is it to validate me? Or justify my “being” to the world? Or is it to gain sympathy by playing the role of “genetic victim”?
I know many in the trans community will be upset upon reading this. Many will ask, “Who does she think she is?” And I know my email will be full from several cross-dresser friends who are married. I also know a few of you who know me will assume that certain parts of this are a direct result of who I happen to be coupled with. But I assure you no one has influenced me in the regard to my own opinion.
To that I say, we all have an opinion. A lot of times we are afraid to express it because we want to fit in or be liked or just survive. I understand that, but in my opinion I believe we should all stop wanting to project our own wishes about gender onto others. I feel there is no right or wrong, no “one size fits all,” or even “he” or “she”. I do know that each gender journey is unique and wonderful and painful and lonely. I believe we, as a community, need to come together with compassion and love, instead of expectations and rules.
Who do I think I am? I am simply a person who refuses to allow society tell me that I am wrong for being myself.
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